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Coming to Terms With Your Divorce

by Grace Sianna
divorce, judge's gavel, broken wooden heart with wedding rings
Divorce is not something to be discussed lightly. There is a bond created by marriage that is broken and can leave you feeling alone and lost.

        Finding out a way to deal with the pain and moving on with your life are valuable steps after a divorce, but there is often no one there to help you deal with this grief. You may be lucky enough to have friends and family who support your decision and want to help you get your life back on track, but unless any of them have experienced the emotional torment you’re going through before, they can’t possibly know how your feeling. There are psychiatrists and books to help you heal, but they will all tell you the same things. It’s up to you to accept and move on, but how do you do that?

The first step is acceptance.

        Yes, you have probably heard that a million times, but it’s true. Now what that means can be different for everyone. Maybe you must accept that your partner was bad for you, maybe they cheated or ran into their own personal problems. Maybe they left you because of similar occurrences, I’m not here to judge. Or maybe you and your partner were both wonderful people and you just drifted apart for one reason or another, whatever the case finding out why you are no longer married and coming to terms with that will help you move on.

divorced couple, arms crossed, broken heart on wall        Many people find this hard, especially before the divorce is finalized. People want to “get their money’s worth”, so to say, and force themselves to stay together. People do this for countless reasons, embarrassment, kids, money, possessions, are just a few common ones, but the list goes on and on. Recognize that you or your partner are no longer happy in the relationship and accept that there is no plan of action to save it, no magic word to make you love each other again. Facing that it’s over and there’s nothing you can do will be liberating and will make it easier for you to move on to the next stages of your life.

Once you have come to an understanding that the marriage has, in fact, come to an end, you can start focusing on other things, like friends or family.

        You may have realized that once you’re married it becomes harder to keep in contact with old friends, especially if they are not also married. Use this time in your life to rekindle these friendships and go out and have fun. Surrounding yourself with people who care about you and want your happiness is going to ensure you don’t fall into a lonely isolation. Your family is also great to reconnect with, they tend to be blunter about things, and will reassure you to why it’s okay that you are no longer with your spouse. It’s good to be told that you’re the right one, even if it’s not true, sometimes.

        And maybe most importantly, spend time with yourself. I know that may sound crazy, you’re technically always spending time with yourself, but I mean take some time and really self-reflect, men tend to either completely blame their partner or completely blame themselves for a failed relationship, and this is hardly ever true. Couples tend to share everything, including blame for why a relationship didn’t work out. You should remember this and be kind to yourself. You are going through a lot right now and you don’t need to be beating yourself up about “what ifs” and “I should have.”

I know this is probably the last thing on your mind but be prepared.

        This is still a big deal, get a lawyer. It may seem crazy, and like the last thing you want to do, especially if it ended on good terms or you’re still holding out hope your loved one will come back. It should be the first course of action once you have your head on right. Divorce is messy business, and you and your partner obviously didn’t agree on things if you’re getting a divorce in the first place. Don’t get swindled in the courtroom. Society tends to feel more for a woman in this situation, so they’re already better off with or without a lawyer. Don’t go to court unprepared and find out that your partner is taking everything because you didn’t think you needed legal counsel.

Once the chips have settled, you may feel lost.

solitary man looking out in the ocean horizon        It’s hard to suddenly find yourself without the familiar routine you once had, but this doesn’t have to be a bad experience. Use this time to get back into things you use to enjoy before you were married. Do all the things you never had time for and treat yourself. Find your rhythm as a bachelor again and fall back into old habits if you’d like. I’m not saying become a disgusting pig for the rest of your life, but if you find comfort in wearing the same sweatpants for a week then more power to you. Just realize that this is temporary and enjoy yourself for a little while.

        Marriage it’s supposed to be a beautiful, lasting adventure, but that is not always the case. It’d okay to fall out of love and to get divorced, and even if it’s not your decision, you’re going to be okay. Take time to heal and surround yourself with positive people. Don’t wallow and become angry at what you use to have. Take time for yourself and enjoy being alone for a little while. You did it before you were married so you can do it again. It doesn’t have to be a forever thing either. Whenever you’re ready to get back on the horse go for it. Make sure you keep yourself in a good mind space whenever possible, you can get through this, I know you can.

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